It’s almost like I’ve accomplished something writing a second post. Like, maybe, I’ll actually do this – blog. I mean, people that write blogs are actually writers or have something to say – I am neither or maybe I’m both.
Second posts can be special because they are not as powerful as your first and no where near the depth of say, your 100th – will I ever write 100 posts? Anyway, since this is so “special” I dedicate this post to talking about my labor. Well, the title of my blog is “Birth Write” so I guess I should begin that discussion.
I was due 10/31/2012 and went into labor that night! Ah, a last a woman has waited 10 months (they lied about the 9 month gestational period btw) to see those beautiful eyes, soft plump cheeks, rosy red lips, and tiny little toes, and here I was- ready to meet my boy! In short, my birth plan was no meds, no induction, no intervention, just sweet love and bliss of birth… And then those damn contractions! Holy shit- funny, I know they hurt but 1 year later I don’t know what the pain is- well, it hurt! Day 2- 11/1/12 things are going good…. Birth plan, great. Still laboring at home and spending time in the tub and swaying around the house. Surly in at LEAST 24 hours I’d be holding my guy- hell maybe running the kid down the street and showing him off (kidding!). 1/1/12 later that night- still contractions – called mom…. She’s on the next flight. I, am losing my shit. It’s been almost 24 hours- called the Doc & Midwife, went to the birthing center and was sent home with tools to get through since I was no where close to having this baby. 11/2/12 what seemed like 3 weeks but was really only days later I was still pregnant. Now, my mom was here to help labor with me. As my husband says, “there is no room for a man in the labor process.” Duly noted- next pregnancy, hire a doula. My mom and I labored together all day-night-day again and 11/3/12 he still wasn’t here! OMG. That’s it, I’ll be the first woman in history that stays in labor for eternity! He’s not coming. Another call to the Doc- and I say, “I know he’s not ready to come but I can’t take it anymore and I’m coming!” It’s funny how I knew he wasn’t going to come- how’d I know that? Mom’s intuition? And damn it if I wasn’t right. We left for the birthing center around 7AM and by 11:30 AM my water broke on its own! Cheers! Here we are. He will be here in no time! My Bradley birthing $250 was about to pay off. Score. *PS, that’s husband led- see previous husband comment. 9:30 PM. NO baby. They lied. This sucks. Days of hard painful labor and still no beautiful moment where I look into my husband’s eyes and glance at our wonder and say, yes, all the pain was worth the wait and I did it intervention FREE. Give me my medal. My doc says- after multiple conversations- he’s not coming- we need to go to the hospital. FUCK. I cried. I FAILED. Damn it, look at these hips- THEY WERE MADE TO FUCKING BIRTH A CHILD! Not today. I cried and cried. The energy in the room was terrible. My mom didn’t think I could do it- she told me so- and I knew that day she especially didn’t think I could do it. I’d like to believe my husband has full faith in me, but I’m not so sure. So here I was defeated and sad. I wasn’t prepared mentally for the hospital. But, we went. They hooked me up, gave me an epidural, more drugs and guess what THE BABY’s HEART RATE STARTED DROPPING! What a shock. Correlation? So, 11/4/12 2:14 AM after days of hard, painful, unmediated labor Zaccai Marvell Green was born via C-section. And the new mother had failed. I was drugged and so out of it. I didn’t feel the “most beautiful moment” in life. I didn’t look my husband in the eyes and all the shit above. I failed. I sucked. I couldn’t even do the one damn thing that comes natural. Thankfully, our doc made sure they gave us immediate skin to skin time. I’d later find out that was so vital and important!
At least your baby is healthy. Oh, thanks… You’re right. (I know this- and of course you’re right) but that totally dismisses the fact that I’m in emotional and physical pain over my delivery and bonding moment with my child. Re-read the supposed perfect moment with husband, mom and child. Ugh.
So, it’s been over a year…. I’m somewhat over the four day fiasco of delivery. My little guy is perfect. My husband is an amazing father and I am turning into a darn good mom.
Now, I look at my scar as any woman would look at her stretch marks- a reminder that she created life in that body of hers. I have not one stretch mark or saggy part of my belly (I know, you’re allowed to hate me- I would) so God gave me a c-section scar to remember my first born. My sweet, sweet, boy Zaccai.