A moment of PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I have nowhere to turn but here. So, sorry (okay, I am NOT sorry) for venting here, but where else to go? 

Do you ever feel like you are SO overwhelmed but leaking out any bit of your “failures” would make you less of a daughter/son, wife/husband, friend, boss, teacher ect. ? I am at a LOSS. My husband and I (and baby boy) live a pretty modest American life. However, though the years we have gotten ourselves in some credit card debt, mortgage debt, student loan debt – you get it. I am the sole primary provider for the household and have worked tirelessly in getting us out of this mess! This year, 2014, seemed to look promising! Until now…..

One of my jobs is teaching part time at a community college and I just realized I am only teaching 2 classes and not 3 (of course, I was banking – LITERALLY TOOK THAT MONEY TO THE BANK IN MY MIND AND PAID OFF MY BILLS AND THREW THE RECEIPTS IN THE AIR WITH A HUGE “HOORAY!” – on that money) So, defeated, failure once again – not going to be able to pay some of those bills that are piling up – some are medical bills that might send us to collections. I literally have paid so many things late as of late that I am not sure how to keep up! I feel like I am at a breaking point. 

Do you ever feel this way? Am I alone?

I am an educated person with professional JOBS! However, I am also a one income household and my husband stays at home with our son – I have a higher earning potential than he does. 

How do you keep calm when you know you are on the brink of disaster? I know, it’s first world problems…… If I lost it all… at least I lost it in America, right? There are times when I am DOWN RIGHT SCARED to check my checking account. It’s been VERY RED at times. I think if I were my checking account – or if he was real (he has to be a “he” by the way) I would say DIDN’T YOU PASS FIRST GRADE MATH YOU DUMBASS!? 

No, maybe I didn’t mean ‘ol checking account. Maybe my heart is SO big that I cannot comprehend math. Maybe I choose to take care of others and not myself – how can you count that? How can I just be a negative number every week? I feel like a failure – all of my hard work – I have worked 3 jobs for 3 years and I am no better off now than I was before. 

I have so much college debt that I had no business getting myself into an “adult life.” I should have taken my degrees turned around and went home… although, my family is so broke that there are no “home(s)” to go “home” to. 

 

How can a person survive in a society where they have nowhere to turn? – I am not poverty level – I am not rich – I am not middle income – I am a person that cannot pay all her bills but wants to live a basic life. I want help but can’t get help. I hope that I can look back and say, I learned something – or this was a great experience and I am glad I went through it… right now, it feels just plain mean. 

 

It’s just really mean. And I am really sad. 

 

My glass is not half full or half empty it is shattered. And I feel broken. 

If you know me personally, this is my dark side. I don’t ever share this – ever. It feels, well, not great. 

 

No matter what, I owe you a photo – don’t I. I owe me a photo….. Something that makes me smile. 

Image

 

This is Zaccai – he did a cute baby modeling shot for our favorite cloth diaper company. Taken at 7 months old. Bumkins. 

I found a perfect song to reflect my sentiments for today:

lorde parody

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