So, I was chatting with another mom that just, “got it.” You know, the mom you just connect with because they seem to have “been there, done that.” Okay, enough with the cliches.
I have met many moms that have shared their birth stories with me. Words like, miraculous, breath taking, intimate, passionate, love, are ones that come up frequently.
As they’re speaking, I slowly disconnect from the conversation. I realize, I didn’t have that birth experience. There’s so much sadness when I think of my own birth story. My labor was so long that my husband and I were disconnected at the final time of my baby’s arrival. My mom also “butted” her way into the labor process. Part of me is thankful, she really, really helped me labor at home while my husband completed his Tshirt orders. But, it threw off my mojo and drive for a beautiful, peaceful, natural labor. While is disconnect and the mom gushes about her love of her baby I can’t help but think “what the fuck is wrong with me!?” I didn’t have the immediate love for my son that everyone hears about. I wanted to. I wanted it so bad. It just didn’t happen. I’m not sure why. I love him more than anything today; but, not in that moment. Not the following days after either. I was numb. I was disappointed. I was heartbroken. I. I. I don’t really know. It wasn’t what I expected and I wasn’t prepared for what I experienced.
So, about the mom I chatted with. She got me. She didn’t exactly say my same words… But she said the first few weeks of her child life was miserable. Feeding were hard, the baby cried all day and night and her husband wasn’t sure how to support her. Wow. I wanted to cry. Finally. Someone that is either on the same page as me or all the other moms are damn liars! I like to think they’re liars 😂.
Maybe there is a perfect birth, husband, supports system, checking account, nanny, birth plan… Blah, blah. But not for me. Not for her either. G-d, how thankful I am her and I had that conversation.
To all those perfect mom’s out there- kiss my ass. And, once you’re done? Come clean my kitchen and spray down my son’s poop cloth diaper!
Oh, to top it off. I made a delicious looking kale, sweet potato, zucchini, squash and broccoli stir fry. And then, burnt the shit! I cried. Mom fail. So, chicken and rice for dinner. I burnt all the veggies in the house. And, no replacements in the near future as I’m out of money for the week (after bills) and groceries are what we have. Such a sad moment.
Some sweet moments of my life…. As those come and go…