As I’m sitting here thinking of how to describe my feelings of utter frustration and deep intense irritation I have to sigh.
I’ve worked hard. Each job I’ve added to my plate has not lessened the load on my plate; instead it’s just piled the mashed potatoes up high. In theory: I thought, if I made more money, I’d pay off more bills. However, as I make more money larger and larger expenses pile up. Most my fault and I get that.
However, at times, I feel very alone. My husband has a dream of starting this small business and we’ve been in the “starting” phase for too long. Every time we think we have extra money to get it going, something happens. Law of gravity? Karma? Lack of persistence? I don’t know.
Another deep, deep sigh.
To be a mom & a breadwinner means we [women]are pioneers in our own right. We’re writing history. [HER]story. There’s so many HOW TO books on being a mom, being a caregiver, being a lover… But not many on being a woman in charge of financial expenses, budgeting, child care, nursing, making meals, cleaning…
cleaning being a lover to your partner & a soft place to land for your baby. Forget about you time. And good sleep, forget about that too.
So, perspective you say?
Some days, I’m sure I am not communicating my needs to my husband. Mostly, I think he doesn’t care to listen to them. I know, that sounds harsh & maybe it is- but that’s how I feel. I always ask him how his day is… I seldom get the same question from him. I always make sure he’s eaten or has options of food he’d like… Etc.
This week has been exceptionally hard. His truck broke down [after paying 1,000$ a few weeks ago] and he’s been on edge. The strain of financial responsibility is intense! Just knowing that if something goes wrong- it’s up to me to figure out.
I’m a pusher. Yes, just like Mean Girls. I pushed to get married, I pushed to buy a house, I pushed to have a baby & I pushed to create this “perfect” life. So, here’s where my perspective and responsibility comes in.
I made my bed & choices
What will I do? Sit here and sulk?
If you know me, I’m not capable of just giving up. Although, the thought of me sitting in a room with loads of chocolate, wine and designer handbags has crossed my mind a few times… I’m still not willing to just give up.
I’ve finally reached out to my best friend to help me with budgeting. For real help. I also quit my part time Saturday gig (which I loved so much but it no longer fits into my family plan) and I’m seriously helping my husband with his business.
Marriage is hard. It’s not for the faint of heart. Interestingly enough no one can define that or tell you how/why it is: it just is. When people say marriage changes everything… damn it, why are they right!? It logically makes no sense. NONE! But, it’s so true.
I love that man deeply.
My perspective is: at the end of the day, if you take away a checking account, cars, houses, clothing, jobs, money… Who will you be? Do those things define you? I don’t want them to define me… But, this week, they’ve consumed me. If I can take a deep breath and know I can only control what I can control, it will all be okay, it will all work out.
Please, consider this a wake up call if you’re hurting and stressing over material possessions. It’s just not worth the time or effort.
Be in love. Be free. Be happy.
My sweet moments this week make me smile with tears in my eyes. Such love and joy.