Rough night & day – Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting

My son, Zaccai had a rough night last night. He didn’t want to sleep and just nursed for hours on end. I was getting so irritated with him not falling asleep and after 2 hours I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I got out the iPad (the modern day solution to sleepless nights!)

So, another hour or so went on and he was still not asleep. He started nursing and I rocked him and walked with him and rocked him and finally 1 AM – fell asleep.

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Attachment parenting isn’t easy. There are moments where it’s saved me. When I work 10-14 hours during the school semester the only close time I have with my baby is at night when we sleep and he nurses. So, that’s created the attachment to him/me.

While I’m grateful for our bond/attachment, it’s now putting a strain on my marriage. I (maybe selfishly) chose attachment parenting style because I worked so much and I didn’t get to spend quality time with my newborn/infant/toddler baby. I’m also incredibly insecure about the fact that I had a c-section and this is my way of overcompensating.

My husband created this great bond with my son. He parents him and set boundaries and limits and all the things that you would want to instill in a child. I’m the bulldozer that ruins it. When Z is with Marvell he is calm, happy and listens. When he is with me he is clingy, afraid I’ll leave and at times whiny. So, now, we’re struggling. As I write this I know we need a change and balance. My heart hurts so bad because I feel so completely shitty as a mom today.

When I was young l looked up to my Aunt. I thought she was perfect. She had three crazy, rambunctious, fun boys. I could tell each one of them loved her and needed her. One day when I was watching the boys I remember her being upset and saying she felt like the worst/horrible mom. A failure. I was so confused. I remember thinking, but, you’re perfect. I didn’t understand how she felt so imperfect.

I do now.

Not only do I feel imperfect, I feel lost. How do parents navigate this? I know, my husband has figured out his method and it works perfectly for him… I’m just not sure I can make it work for me?

Not only that, I pissed my husband off for writing our lives on the bathroom wall. (Or, commonly known as the internet). I don’t know what to do/say. It hurts for someone you love so much to be angry with you… Saying sorry is one thing but truly trying to change to be the person they need you to be is something completely earth shattering. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know if I can change.

And if I can’t? There’s a pit in my stomach.

Can you attach & detach at the same time?

I’m so lost.

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Me… Minus the glam.

6 thoughts on “Rough night & day – Attachment Parenting

  1. Hi Amber. I think it is great that you write so openly and honestly. You really let yourself be vulnerable and that is a brave feat. The awesome thing is the more you admit your insecurities aloud (or in writing) the closer it brings people to you. You are not afraid to show your humanity. Thanks for your courage.

    1. Thanks, Jess! This is so hard… I always try to be the best at everything I do and I can’t be the best at this…. I try!! Maybe that’s where it counts?

  2. Amber – I can relate to this post in more ways than one. I have created the “monster” who sleeps in our bed every night and only wants me most of the time. I love it and loath it all at the same time. I swore I would never let it happen but I work full time and get such little time with L that I can’t help but want to always be near him. Keep your chin up – it must get easier right?

    1. I certainly hope so!!!! Thank you for sharing… I really feel like co-sleeping was the right thing for our family but I think we are moving on to a new phase and maybe it’s now time to reconsider? I don’t know but I can only try and see!

  3. This must me a “mom” thing and since I don’t have kids, I obviously can’t give advise. But since I work with kids and their families, I see this time and time again. A feeling of inadequacy. But from an outside perspective I am always amazed that moms can’t see everything they ARE doing. No person or situation is perfect. It will always seem like you can do one more thing or do something better. But I think it is critically important to look at all the positive things now. Z has balance. Marvell makes him tow the line, but he gets to express his emotions and get affirmed with you. That’s both sides of the coin. Not to say either of you as parents shouldn’t come to a common concensus, after all, kids are super smart and put their parents against each other all the time. But my point is, you and Marvell against are different and maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Maybe it will help Z grow and develop his personality and feel secure knowing he has two parents that are different, yet balanced. And most importantly, know he is loved. Which I am sure he does. That huge grin on his face says it all. For what it is worth, I think you are an inspirational woman and a wonderful mom. ❤ you!

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