My son, Zaccai had a rough night last night. He didn’t want to sleep and just nursed for hours on end. I was getting so irritated with him not falling asleep and after 2 hours I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I got out the iPad (the modern day solution to sleepless nights!)
So, another hour or so went on and he was still not asleep. He started nursing and I rocked him and walked with him and rocked him and finally 1 AM – fell asleep.
Attachment parenting isn’t easy. There are moments where it’s saved me. When I work 10-14 hours during the school semester the only close time I have with my baby is at night when we sleep and he nurses. So, that’s created the attachment to him/me.
While I’m grateful for our bond/attachment, it’s now putting a strain on my marriage. I (maybe selfishly) chose attachment parenting style because I worked so much and I didn’t get to spend quality time with my newborn/infant/toddler baby. I’m also incredibly insecure about the fact that I had a c-section and this is my way of overcompensating.
My husband created this great bond with my son. He parents him and set boundaries and limits and all the things that you would want to instill in a child. I’m the bulldozer that ruins it. When Z is with Marvell he is calm, happy and listens. When he is with me he is clingy, afraid I’ll leave and at times whiny. So, now, we’re struggling. As I write this I know we need a change and balance. My heart hurts so bad because I feel so completely shitty as a mom today.
When I was young l looked up to my Aunt. I thought she was perfect. She had three crazy, rambunctious, fun boys. I could tell each one of them loved her and needed her. One day when I was watching the boys I remember her being upset and saying she felt like the worst/horrible mom. A failure. I was so confused. I remember thinking, but, you’re perfect. I didn’t understand how she felt so imperfect.
I do now.
Not only do I feel imperfect, I feel lost. How do parents navigate this? I know, my husband has figured out his method and it works perfectly for him… I’m just not sure I can make it work for me?
Not only that, I pissed my husband off for writing our lives on the bathroom wall. (Or, commonly known as the internet). I don’t know what to do/say. It hurts for someone you love so much to be angry with you… Saying sorry is one thing but truly trying to change to be the person they need you to be is something completely earth shattering. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know if I can change.
And if I can’t? There’s a pit in my stomach.
Can you attach & detach at the same time?
I’m so lost.
Me… Minus the glam.