We’re all busy, right?
I am. I’m a wife, mom, full time manager, part time instructor at a community college, a friend, a daughter, a writer, a dishwasher, a laundry goddess and last but not least a terrible cook.
How do I have the time? If I had a nickel for all the times my friends say, “how the hell do you do it!?” I’d be rich!
I don’t know. But, let me tell you what I’ve lost because I’ve “done it all.”
Z turns 3 in November. I turn 30 in September. The year of “3”. I told myself 2015 will be my year of change. I will not continue to be “too busy”. I’ve told my son on numerous occasions- I can’t, mommy has to work. Sorry, off to work. Internally I say, sorry, I’ll make it up to you… of course, Z can’t understand the concept of “make it up”.
But, I won’t make it up. I won’t because he’s only going to take his first step once. He’s only going to say his first word once. He’s only going to smile and coo “once”. These moments are gone. Some of them I’ve witnessed, but most I’ve missed. I missed them so I could pay off credit card debt, pay off car payments, pay for Internet, pay for cable, for for loans I took out to pay off debt. I’ve worked so hard so others could be successful.
In our couples therapy my therapist asked me if I thought I was successful.
I said no.
God, have you seen my checking account? I’m NOT successful.
No mind I put myself through college. I wasn’t supposed to go to, statistically speaking. I graduated with a Master’s two years later. All by 23 years of age. I lost 55 pounds on the Weight Watchers program and lead hundreds of people to live happier, healthier lives. I encouraged my friends to love themselves and take risks. Fall in love. I emotionally supported my husband when he couldn’t take another day in Corporate America. I let him take a risk. I climbed the ladder in Corporate America after numerous rejections and I have taught at a college for the past 5 years. I’ve ran 3 half marathons and 1 Ragnar. I had a labored for days with my baby and had a c-section to seal the deal and bring him into this world. I’ve given up so much to provide for the people I love. And, now, when faced with a deep, profound question: are you successful? My answer was: NO.
My life has always been defined as being poor. Lower than lower middle class. I’ve always been taught that success=money. Why, why oh why is this woman telling me that I’ve gotten it all wrong? I need to look at success from a different angle. I can’t. Or, I feel like I can’t.
Since that day I have seriously tried to tell myself I was successful. It’s been hard to accept that I am successful since I don’t have much to show for “it”. The successful competition is fierce. I mean, how can I even compare? How can I convince the world Amber Green is successful? Shit, I’m probably the 1803502747920847 person on your Google machine.
Or, maybe, just maybe it doesn’t matter what others think of me… Only how I feel about myself? Compared to myself?
If I’m not “successful” why am I wasting my time working? If I’m not becoming “successful” and doing the work I was put on this earth to do, what am I doing? Working to live, not living to work. Who does that anyway? Live to work?
“If you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life.” That’s always been a crock of shit to me, not gonna lie. But, maybe I’m just a pessimist and people really love what they do and jump up before their alarm and do it.
If that’s true, I feel that way about teaching. It’s amazing. I feel like I’m empowered and empowering people. I’m giving them the gift I thought I would never have: information. College & Weight Watchers. Both accomplishments that were never supposed to happen. I should be an uneducated fat woman. I’m not. Instead I’m the opposite.
I am starting to find if I let go and trust it will all work out things seem to go better than I could have imagined.
How can that be? Let go and let God.
Is that success?