Love + Love = Love

Art, Attachment parenting, confidence, empowerment, Marginalized individuals, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book, Small Business

If I’ve learned anything it’s to pass on love to my child. My husband and I don’t spend any time explaining who should love who with Z. To us, love is love. 

My parents divorced at a young age and went their separate ways. Dad remarried and mom, well, didn’t. 

I’ve never been asked why my dad remarried but believe me I’ve been asked why mom never remarried. 

I used to lie about why.

  • She isn’t interested in dating
  • She doesn’t really want to be in a relationship 
  • She doesn’t have time! Hello, 3 kids, single mom! 
  • She likes being alone-  duh, doesn’t everyone just want to be left alone!?
  • She’s overweight, maybe when she loses weight
  • She wants to focus on herself

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. You get it.


She’s a Lesbian.

That’s right. I said it. I’m not a lier anymore. Man, that feels great. 

I’ve lied to everyone in my life until I met my husband. Oh, yea, and the drunken night with some of my college besties and our need to share all. Yea, that happened. Anywho……

Why the lies? “No one cares.” People would tell me. 

Oh, yea. Sure. Tell the world as a teenager that is coming into herself- I could barely contain my period let alone the fact that my mom was a lesbian. Then, I got so used to all the lies that I never went back to those people and corrected them. I just brushed it under the rug. 

Until now. I just took a leap of faith. I wrote a children’s book about Z’s two grandmas. 

Loving My Grandmas

I’m so proud a publishing company invested in me and my family story. I’m absolutely thrilled that Z gets to have representation of his two grandmas. TWO grandmas in love.

In love and that’s okay. It’s really, okay!

He will never have to lie. He won’t have to make up stories about Noni & Grandma. He won’t have to feel ashamed. He will just be able to love and enjoy them. Isn’t that what having grandparents is all about!? 

We think so. 

You can buy the book and support the movement! Equality for all. 

Buy here! Loving My Grandmas

Support my passion and advocate for marginalized couples all over the world! 

Your Purpose in Life…..?

Art, Attachment parenting, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Small Business, Uncategorized

I met with one of my mentors on Sunday. We went to Lo Lo’s Chicken and Waffles ! Haha, if you’ve never visited Phoenix you’ll think I’m a nut-head telling you to drive here. It’s in the smack-dab middle of the ghetto. Oh, well, probably the best chicken and waffles you’ll find west of the Mississippi.

But, I’m not here to tell you I’m a secret meat eater: I claim to be vegetarian (ha!) But, when the opportunity arises to try staples in the meat world- who am I to turn down a once in a lifetime event? It was goooood, too.

My mentor is amazing. She’s infectious. Seriously, when people meet her they want MORE. More time to listen to her speak, more time to breathe in her passion for people and more time to hear they deserve to follow their dreams.

Her message for me: don’t fall into the trap, Amber. The trap: holding your husband accountable for the things you are naturally amazing at and expect him to be that good.

That’s your gift, not his.

Stop there. My gift? I thought everyone does “this.” It’s just so easy…..!

That’s it. Your gift is easy because it’s yours! You cultivate it, you perfect it, you know it. It belongs to you.

My job, then, is to hold him accountable for his gifts: art and T-shirts. Shoot. I’ve been doing this all wrong for years now… F-it all. (I like how I pretend I never say the”f-bomb” on this blog; I’m such a lady!)

Crap. I’ve been wrong and most likely have been driving this man nuts for years. Let’s be honest, I’ll most likely get this wrong a few different times in a few different ways; but, she gave me the resources to motivate him… Because, without him, I’m not whole.

So, cheers to mentors.


This week is emotionally better but financially a wreck! My husbands truck has broken down a few times and it’s cost us $$$… we (of course-sigh) were not prepared for that expense. All I can say is we’re still ticking & tomorrow is another day. Money will come and go- our family is what’s important to focus on, right?


Blowin’ off STEAM

Art, Art and design, Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Small Business, Summer, Summer vacation

Welcome back to reality.

Did you enjoy your vacation? Good, because, it’s over.

Reality check.

I actually like the routine of life but getting back into the routine is hard!

As soon as we got home my husband’s brakes went out on his truck. Someone up above thinks we’re racking in the dough. So, that was a nice reality check.

Work has also been difficult lately. I’m learning, growing and stretching myself in ways that are uncomfortable. Feedback. Critical feedback is hard to swallow. However, I will say that it’s important. Perception is reality in business relationships and I want to be perceived in the best professional light. So, I’m willing to take the uncomfortable feedback and mold/develop myself. Ouch. Internal scrapes and bruises are more painful than external ones.

But. When I get home, I’m their everything. All this boy wants or needs How amazing is that? I don’t deserve it but I need it.


After Zaccai was born, Marvell and I struggled to see eye to eye. I hope we’re not the only couple that goes through this. We continually said…
“This is why people need to be married to have kids. It would be really easy to leave right now- run away and dispose of the problems.”

We continue to face our problems and disagreements. But, I remember the day we got married and the look on his face as he said those vows. I was his and he was mine. Our first dance. Our first steps into the world as a couple. If you’re struggling as a couple – live there for a moment.




Marvell drew this on our first anniversary. Custom says “paper.” This was my gift.

In Puerto Rico I danced my heart out! Marvell isn’t much of a dancer but the song Just the way you are came on and we danced as if was our first dance, tears and all.

Those small moments, those moments of connection are what I live for. They are not daily. Life isn’t a fairy tale. If we can begin to set realistic expectations in our marriage, the way we do at work- maybe we would succeed a little more. It’s a daily chore. It’s work. It’s reality. But don’t forget to take a moment to stop, smell, breathe, live. We’re so busy that we may rush over those moments or take them for granted- then what? They’re gone. Don’t lose them.

Now that reality is settling in…I had an egg white, spinach, tomato thin bagel sandwich. I wanted piles of pancakes and syrup. Sacrifice.


Puerto Rican Vacation!

Art, Art and design, Attachment parenting, Family, Mother, Parenting, Summer vacation, Uncategorized

Well, we survived our Puerto Rican Vacation. Our travel was nuts. We fly standby (my mom is a flight attendant) and I traveled with Z to LA the weekend before our big trip. So, needless to say we became very familiar with the airports!

Zaccai is actually a great flyer. So, I don’t really worry that he’ll get upset during the flight. He was so cute through it all!


My flight adventures…


Drop Zaccai off with my mom’s partner (my step-mom-not legally)

ATL —> SJU —> drive to Rincon.

San Juan, Old San Juan

Remember, friends, I’m broke. But, we cut corners to make this work.

Night 1. Hostel. Posado San Fransisco



The view.
The coffee.
The husband.
Oh, the husband.


We fell in love again in Puerto Rico.

We are so lucky.

Puerto Rico is rich in culture, but very poor. Wow. Writing that made me realize that’s me. Rich in culture, thought, love… Poor in our societies sense of “rich.” What an epiphany.

What would you rather have? We struggle. We have little savings and are launching this business that we believe in.

During our stay in Old San Juan we spent an hour or so at a little poetry coffee shop. We talked business. Dreams. Future. Financial freedom.

We designed a t-shirt that we both loved.

We went to Puerto Rico for a wedding. So after a few days in Old San Juan we drove to Rincon, Puerto Rico.

Again, being cheap, we stayed in a hostel the first night in Rincon: The Rincon Inn. All I can say is:


I flipped out! It was too late to complain or ask for another room. Marvell was so tired he fell asleep with our new roommates. Mr. & Miss Bugs/Spiders/creep Crawlers! I…..

Children’s book – 5 years in the waiting

Art, Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Marginalized individuals, Mother, Outdoors, Parenting, Publishing a children's book, Small Business, Uncategorized

Years ago I was hiking South Mountain and my friend Jessie and I were talking about freeing ourselves from the corporate world. I have never been a creative soul so I knew from an early age that I would need to learn corporate adaptability. I have. But while we were hiking all those years ago I said to her, “I’m going to write a book.” Of course I had crazy endorphins running though my stream so at the time it was a perfect plan!

Anyone would experience this out of body experience after hiking and seeing this view!


So, she said, “well, what’s your book about?” Damn. Now I have to think of a book genre and theme! I just want to slap my name on something… Not work for it. “A Children’s Book.”

I’m laughing out loud as I think about this.

I was 23 at the time. Didn’t really care about a family and kids- just looking for a quick fix to my financial problems as a college student working and supporting myself. Needless to say, that dream died on that mountain.

Until now.

I just finished my first children’s book. All pages are written – except the title. Why are titles so hard!? My husband is illustrating the book… So he’s in the process of working on the other half of my project. It’s a book series (I’ve only written the first one) from the perspective of my son. Once I finish the book and find a publisher and publish this thing – I’ll relay more info! It’s kind of exciting; a publisher left me a message yesterday! I need to call her back but I’m on vacation. No need to rush, it’s been 5 years in the making.

I’m in The OC, CA. my family lives here but I’m staying at one of my best friend’s house from high school. Our sons are 6 weeks apart and they had a ball together yesterday! I wish we lived closer. Our lives could not be further apart. Her house is beautiful, glamorous, big, expensive, decorated. My house is historic, needs updating, needs a HGTV makeover! It’s the funniest thing because I would think I might be jealous of her house/life/family, but I’m not. I’m so happy for her. I’m thankful her life and family is so awesome and beautiful. She has an amazing husband and 2 sweet babies. Isn’t that what life’s about? Really, truly being happy for your friends?

This sweet boy continues to melt my heat. Sweet pieces of goodness!




A quickie: Z sleeps before 10!

Art, Art and design, Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Mother, Parenting, Small Business

If you haven’t “met” Zaccai (Z) yet, you’re missing out! He’s incredible.


Looks at this handsome little fellow. All grown up at 19 months old.

Some of his favorite things these days are:

101 Dalmatians.
Carbs. Thank goodness!
All animal sounds!

Most days I’m so busy at work I don’t have time to think of my little guy. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. The time flies by so quickly that I blink and my day is done. I do have to say that when I get home I’m so excited to see my little family.

My bank account might be close to nothing but my heart is full of life and love.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you a future. That’s what I work for- a promising future for our little family.

My husband’s business should be up and running online shortly. As of now, we’ve made a few thousand dollars by word of mouth. Not tons. Not zero either. I’m excited to see what the future brings for us. He was explaining the business to a woman in Australia that is helping us with social media and marketing- I’ve never seen him so engaged. I know this is his destiny. I hope he really drives his dreams forward.

Supporting an artist is hard! One day I hope to reflect and say all the long hours, empty bank account, and stressful months/years were worth it. All for his success. You have to learn to be selfless when your artist partner has a dream worth living. I have a dream. It’s simple. Pay off all my debt and continue working without worry of bills, bills, bills. This year is our year – I feel it.

A beautiful moment. A loving son. What more can we ask for?



Childhood memories. Damn Mini.

Art, Art and design, Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Mother, Outdoors, Parenting, running

I’m sure you’re something like me… Cringe when you think of your childhood.
Ew, I shouldn’t have said that. Or, why did I wear that? I thought he/she was attractive!?

My family has a few poignant stories to tell and for some reason I feel compelled to tell you one of my “cringe moments.”

First of all, my parents separated when I was 6. I assumed the “mom” role at that time. My dad gained full custody of the 3 of us, Nick (7), me (6), Michael (2).

Now, looking back what a mess! I knew it was a mess at 6, now at 28 I realized it was a true shit-show.

Anyhow, so good ol’ dad all of about 29 at the time had full responsibility of these beautiful young children. Now what? I’m sure he was well over his head with what he thought he’d accomplish.

This brings me to my story. We were poor. Not just oh, wow, we’re a little broke this week… No, like bean and cheese burritos for years broke. So, I at the age of 7 was confronted with an issue. I only had 1 pair if jeans to wear for the whole week. The whole week!

I know, who cares right!? Well, jeans can be inconspicuous – but these jeans… they were special…. UGH

They had a fucking Mini Mouse on the left pocket!


Look at her, so happy. She makes me sick. So, here I am forced to wear the jeans, daily, and I have to figure out how to
1) hide the Mini on most days of the week
2) debut the Mini at least 1 day a week 3) wear something else besides jeans another day of the week (which likely was not an option seeing as though I had limited clothing choices).

Well, I thought I was being so ingenious and successful at hiding/showing the Mini. I thought.Until some punk kid — in front of everyone stated, “You wear those Mini jeans everyday!”

Melt! Embarrassing! How dare he!?

I was mortified! But, what was I going to do? It’s not like anyone really cared enough at home to buy me more clothes. I knew we couldn’t afford anything else. Most of all, my dad didn’t really care what I was wearing.

In that moment, I knew I’d make my life different. I’d work my ass off to make my life different.

Sometimes I look back and wish I could talk to my younger self. When I was so sad, when I got frustrated, when I felt alone– I guess I would say… I love you.

I don’t remember my dad ever saying “I love you” as a child. He does now. I’m not sure what changed. I needed it more then than now.

What was your childhood like? Did you have everything you wanted? Or, were you stuck with a pair of “Mini jeans”?

How can you resist this sweet face?



Art, Art and design, Attachment parenting, Camping, Cloth diaper, Outdoors, Parenting, running, Uncategorized

Went went camping for our little 3 day holiday weekend.

“Glamping” Adj/N: “to camp in a fashionable style.” “A Glamorous camper.” Translation: someone who is full of herself, even while camping.


So, you’re getting the idea.

We camped right by the river and could hear the water all night long, it was glorious.

We’re not huge campers- yet- but I grew up camping my whole life, so it was a bit nostalgic for me. My grandfather on my mother’s side loved to camp. We would go to Mammoth Lakes, CA, each year and spend about a week there- fishing, playing, climbing rocks, hiking the waterfalls, pure joy!
Camp Mammoth Lakes

It’s so beautiful there!

Anyhow, back to AZ camping. We camped in a #stouttent @stouttent Stout Tent

It’s really the best tent since sliced bread! You need one!



The tent helps become a “glamper.”
All my friends were jealous!

Zaccai couldn’t help his inner boy to immediately get himself “dolled-up” in true camping style…



Yes- we did cloth diaper while camping… What kind of question is that!? (assuming you thought that!)

He was over-the-moon excited when he woke up in the tent… It was the most adorable sight!

Of course, we must remember what Memorial Day is all about- the people that sacrificed their lives for this country. I don’t believe in war, hell, some of our soldiers don’t believe in the wars we’ve had. But, I believe we must take a moment to thank people that are willing to put their lives on the line… More than I can say for myself.

Well, it’s been a full week of reality and my husband is fully committed to working on his business and making it profitable. I’m happy about this but it’s still a huge work in progress. I’m hoping and praying for the best.


He’s the sweetest! Enjoy your weekend!

A few days later

Al-anon, Alcoholism, Art, Art and design, Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Marginalized individuals, Parenting, running, Uncategorized


I have to say, I’m pretty pissed.
I know, what was I expecting?

It’s going to all be okay, and here’s a cookie….?

Well, a cookie would have been nice!

So, Al-anon is pretty confidential, so I’m not even sure blogging about it is the right thing to do. But, I can tell you how I feel, right?

It’s a 12 step program. Not for the alcoholic, for you. ME! ME.

As if I don’t have enough to carry on my shoulders, I now have the disease of an alcoholics family member and I should go through the steps. Maybe I’m being a little defensive, but it’s not me with the alcohol dependency.


Now, I’ll admit I feed my feelings with food. There’s my cookie.
Chocolate coconut. Too many Point Plus, but worth it today.

I haven’t read through all the materials but I’m going to. I’m convinced that this will help me; I just need to convince them I’m not the problem! 😊

Just to clear up one thing: my husband is NOT the alcoholic. I complain about him some times but he’s really pretty great. Especially when it comes to helping me deal with all these family issues. He has a “perfect” nuclear family. Mom and Dad still married and in love. And a brother who he adores. Lucky.

My family is a shit-show. Divorce, alcoholics, cheating, lying, deception, you name it.

What I loved about Al-anon was that their family members were just as big of messes as mine. Comforting. I know, that sounds insane. But, it was comforting. I’m not alone.

It made me wonder what my son will grow up to be like? I hope he thinks I’m a good mom. I hope he knows the lengths I have gone through to make sure his childhood was not as messed up as mine.


New cookie. There’s my problem. Stress eater! I ate a salad to compensate. Some clean-eating freak is going to commit me to a gym in about 5.3 seconds. Don’t worry, I’ll convert them to a cookie eater.

Good thing I RUN!

Now, back to my issue. I think I’ve discovered my life doesn’t function properly if someone doesn’t need me. Maybe I need people to need me to be happy? Maybe that’s my deal. If I could rescue the world from its problems, I’d die happy. But, what if I can’t? What if I can’t fix/help the alcoholics closest to me?

It’s such a hard spot. This morning when I woke up I snuggled my little boy and just thought: I could stay in this space forever. Just let time stand still.

It didn’t (of course) and I’m at work stressing about work things.

Here is a sweet moment of my day. Enjoy it, I did.


Face it.

Al-anon, Alcoholism, Art, Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Marginalized individuals, Parenting, running

So, I asked my husband if he would watch our son for a few hours tonight while I go to Al-anon. I wanted him to say yes, of course… But I almost wanted him to put up a fight so I could say, “forget it.” But he was kind and said, “this will be good for you.

Just like that. Such a supportive husband. That’s something I never give him credit for. He backs me when my guns are blazing for my feminist ideals, pursuits of equality for minorities or standing up for what I believe in. And he again, supported me today.

There you have it. I’ll go to this meeting today. To tell you the truth: I’m scared.

I’ll hear something about no control. No ability to make these people change. Acceptance. Lead by example. Don’t enable.

I know, duh you say, easy. Easy. But so hard when it’s people you love. Drugs addicts. Alcoholics. Abusers. But, family. It’s so messed up.

Ultimately, I live my life for him. My sweet, sweet man child.

“Be faithful in the small things….” Mother Theresa.