Easter Bunny Sunday

Attachment parenting, confidence, empowerment, Family, Mother, Parenting, Uncategorized

It’s been so long I almost forgot how to start a post. Life is busy and crazy and so damn demanding. I just want a full 24 hours to pee by myself and not respond to one email. NOT ONE. 

I’m riding the waves of motherhood and a full time college teaching career coupled with a part time teaching gig at another college. I drive to 3 different campuses each week. It’s utterly insane and I love it. I can’t help to yearn for the day I’ll find my tenured track teaching position and settle down.

These past few months that I’ve been gone (from you- blog) I’ve feel these words:

Happiness, joy, laughter, sweet, caring, friendship, excitement….

But I’ve also had some really terrible situations happen that have left me feeling…

Lost, isolated, sad, uncomfortable, depressed, uncertain, out of control, fleeting, inadequate…

Is there a chance PPD can happen when your child is well into toddler years? I feel like the world is sitting on my shoulders and trying to suffocate me. 1 step forward and 5 steps back. 

I mean, I’ve accomplished some really amazing things… But they’ve kind of just been an almost there success… I feel like I’m part of the Myth of Sissifus.

………………………………………………………….
Wow. If I want to have a blog and followers I should probably FINISH BLOG POSTS FROM Easter! 

All I can do is laugh. I wanted to just throw this one away, like, oh well [she] tried. But then I thought, nah, they can see I’m a total mess just like everyone else. 
Half finished

Half inspired

Half irritated 

Half assing this thing called life.

Do you feel you’re half-Ing shit, too? Well, dang, you’re NOT alone.

Since it’s been SO long. Here’s a few pictures from our lives lately. 

Oh. And. I’ll post a REAL blog post this week. Don’t hold your breath 😁

Stolen Time

Attachment parenting, confidence, empowerment, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Uncategorized

First of all, Happy Birthday to my momma. 

  
Everyone has the “perfect” mom…. And I’m here to say, I have the “perfect” mom. I mean, we get in our fair share of arguments but I wouldn’t trade her in. My mom was once a young mom with three children who too most likely felt like a huge failure. 

Why, why do we [women] find fault in like everything? Now, let’s backpedal a bit and bring you to my mom at 24 years of age. Marriage falling apart, 4 year old boy, 3 year old girl and infant baby boy. 24, people. 

Maybe you’ve been there, maybe you’re there now. I’m here to say, I admire you. You feel like a failure and like you’re never going to muddle out of the mounds of debt and depression and these children need you… And you need a partner; however, s/he is gone. I think my mom would tell you: this sh!t is hard and it’s not going to get easier. She would tell you the pain is heavy and the stress is intense. She would also say the most painful part is losing your children. She would say the courts f’d up and gave her children to the wrong parent. She would tell you her children suffered tremendously because of her. 

She blames herself. Everyday she tries to make up for stolen time… She can’t. It’s gone. 

For so many years I cried for my mom. I wanted her in my life, daily. I knew what I was missing out on; but, more importantly, I knew what my siblings needed- their mom. I, at the age of 6, was certainly no replacement for a mother. I tried. 

A moment of clarity came over me as I sit in tears on my therapist’s couch. WHY AM I STRUGGLING IN MY MARRIAGE AND PARENTING? I knew some of our marriage issues were unearthing through my rotten childhood. My husband has a lovely family, solid foundation. I, very very cracked. I told her of a story (unrelated to myself) about a 2 year old boy being forgot in the car in the middle of Arizona summer and he died. I literally cried all night for him. Young, forgotten child in the car. How horrifying. How lonely. How sad. My therapist said, “Amber, do you know why you can’t shake that”? I stared, confused. “You’re the baby stuck in the car, you’re waiting for your parents to save you, comfort you, protect you. They didn’t.” 

They didn’t

Maybe, they just couldn’t. Two people interested in the same thing: 3 children and ripping apart the other person. Divorce. Hatred. Dirty laundry. Attorneys. Judgements. Weekend visitation. It’s all just f’d up. 

They couldn’t. 

I knew my parents would never work it out. I knew they would never be amicable. I never even wishes or prayed for it. I only prayed my life would not reflect theirs. I didn’t want to go through the pain again. 

How did my mom survive that pain? My son went to the ER one night and I thought I would lose it, ear infection. Drama. How in the world did my mom go years without holding, squishing, smelling, and cuddling her little lug bugs? 

So, now, here I am – 30 and trying to get past all this yucky childhood stuff and pray to God we don’t put our son through any of this… But there are still so many families out there that can relate to this pain. There is so much hurt, so much anger. If I can give you one piece of advice from a child who desperately needed both parents to be civil and kind…

Don’t deny your children their right to see the other parent. They will resent you. 

Don’t deny your children their right to visit with their grandparents. They will really resent you. 

Don’t talk bad about the other parent in front of them. Just don’t do it. 

Co-parent. Make decisions about their lives and focus on them. Not YOU. 

We just finished a holiday season and every year I’m so thankful it’s over. I can’t help but think of all the pain I had each Christmas without my family. Now that I have my own little family the holidays are bright; but, the past is sometimes hard to shake and I have to continually remind myself that I am in charge of my happiness and no one else. 

Whatever you do, do it with love in your heart. 

   
    
   

The Process of Finding Happiness 

Attachment parenting, Beauty tips, Body shaming, confidence, empowerment, Mother, Parenting, Student loan debt

I’ve been silent for months now. So much has changed in my life and it’s really hard to process it all.

Three months ago I was miserable. I was working long hours outside of the home and hating every minute of it. I climbed up that proverbial corporate ladder, well, mostly… to the third step… Okay, maybe the second one, stay with me here! None-the-less, I hated life. My happy place was leaving work and teaching. I teach community college communication classes and LOVE every minute of it. Well, minus the grading.

I knew I couldn’t leave my corporate job, I was making too much money and ironically not enough. We were barely making it due to the mounds of debt I took on through my bachelors and masters degrees. You know the story. The sad, sad story. 

And then, one day, I told my husband, “I can’t do it.” I’m giving myself a few more months of this and I’m done. I said it out loud. DONE.

I was scared. I had no plan. I have so much debt, so many bills. Yet, I spent my days being so miserable and feeling suffocated. I. Hated. Life.

I was making my family miserable too. Sorry dudes. Then, the sky opened and I landed a job at a major university in their communication department. DREAM JOB. There is one little problem… Less, much less money.

Let me take you back to when I was in the middle of my misery pleading to God to help me. I said, “please allow me something that I love to do and I can share my talents.” I forgot to mentioned that I wanted millions along with it. So, I got the dream job.

I also asked my therapist for help. She knew I was miserable. She could see it each time I visited her office. She asked me if I felt successful, I always said “no”. Why! Why don’t you, Amber? I said, how could I? You should see the red in my bank account each month. How can I claim success when I’m in this state? I didn’t get it.

I went to see her last week. I sat there. Completely mesmerized that I was the happiest I’ve been making less money. I made it. I’m successful. It’s real. 

She asked me about my classes and students and I literally cried. I love my life. I’m so happy. I’m using my skills in the field I love. Students call me professor- and I turn around! Haha, it still makes me giddy.

Life was stressful and overwhelming when I hated my job. I just had to let go and let God.

What have you been holding on to? A relationship? A painful memory? A dreadful job?

How can you find your happiness?

What is happiness to you?

I found mine; go get yours.
All my love.

  

Follow Your Heart

Attachment parenting, empowerment, Family, Marriage, Parenting, Uncategorized, weight loss

We’re all busy, right? 

I am. I’m a wife, mom, full time manager, part time instructor at a community college, a friend, a daughter, a writer, a dishwasher, a laundry goddess and last but not least a terrible cook. 

How do I have the time? If I had a nickel for all the times my friends say, “how the hell do you do it!?” I’d be rich! 

I don’t know. But, let me tell you what I’ve lost because I’ve “done it all.”

Time.

Memories.

Moments.

Years.

Z turns 3 in November. I turn 30 in September. The year of “3”. I told myself 2015 will be my year of change. I will not continue to be “too busy”. I’ve told my son on numerous occasions- I can’t, mommy has to work. Sorry, off to work. Internally I say, sorry, I’ll make it up to you… of course, Z can’t understand the concept of “make it up”. 

But, I won’t make it up. I won’t because he’s only going to take his first step once. He’s only going to say his first word once. He’s only going to smile and coo “once”. These moments are gone. Some of them I’ve witnessed, but most I’ve missed. I missed them so I could pay off credit card debt, pay off car payments, pay for Internet, pay for cable, for for loans I took out to pay off debt. I’ve worked so hard so others could be successful. 

In our couples therapy my therapist asked me if I thought I was successful. 

I said no.

God, have you seen my checking account? I’m NOT successful.

No mind I put myself through college. I wasn’t supposed to go to, statistically speaking. I graduated with a Master’s two years later. All by 23 years of age. I lost 55 pounds on the Weight Watchers program and lead hundreds of people to live happier, healthier lives. I encouraged my friends to love themselves and take risks. Fall in love. I emotionally supported my husband when he couldn’t take another day in Corporate America. I let him take a risk. I climbed the ladder in Corporate America after numerous rejections and I have taught at a college for the past 5 years. I’ve ran 3 half marathons and 1 Ragnar. I had a labored for days with my baby and had a c-section to seal the deal and bring him into this world. I’ve given up so much to provide for the people I love. And, now, when faced with a deep, profound question: are you successful? My answer was: NO.

My life has always been defined as being poor. Lower than lower middle class. I’ve always been taught that success=money. Why, why oh why is this woman telling me that I’ve gotten it all wrong? I need to look at success from a different angle. I can’t. Or, I feel like I can’t. 

Since that day I have seriously tried to tell myself I was successful. It’s been hard to accept that I am successful since I don’t have much to show for “it”. The successful competition is fierce. I mean, how can I even compare? How can I convince the world Amber Green is successful? Shit, I’m probably the 1803502747920847 person on your Google machine. 

Or, maybe, just maybe it doesn’t matter what others think of me… Only how I feel about myself? Compared to myself?

If I’m not “successful” why am I wasting my time working? If I’m not becoming “successful” and doing the work I was put on this earth to do, what am I doing? Working to live, not living to work. Who does that anyway? Live to work?

“If you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life.” That’s always been a crock of shit to me, not gonna lie. But, maybe I’m just a pessimist and people really love what they do and jump up before their alarm and do it.

If that’s true, I feel that way about teaching. It’s amazing. I feel like I’m empowered and empowering people. I’m giving them the gift I thought I would never have: information. College & Weight Watchers. Both accomplishments that were never supposed to happen. I should be an uneducated fat woman. I’m not. Instead I’m the opposite. 

  
I’m ready to do this. I’m ready to feel success by following my heart and sharing my gifts. 

I am starting to find if I let go and trust it will all work out things seem to go better than I could have imagined.

How can that be? Let go and let God.

Is that success? 


Motherhood, you’re disgusting 

Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Mother, Parenting

That’s what we’re told anyway. 

NO? 

Really? NO?

Okay. Thanks but no thanks. 

For what? Your simple little opinion of motherhood. The naysayers. The others. The non-mothers. The righteous mothers. Or, just the righteous. 

You know who I’m talking about. The ones who make THIS a story. 

All day every day

Moms everywhere are forced to explain themselves or justify their actions. Like it everyone’s business how long we nurse, diaper, co-sleep, when we potty train, when we take away the paci, when we.. Blah, blah, blah. 
Look you assholes, it’s our business. 

Now, if we let you into our world, don’t be an asshole. If you must, practice this old saying: “treat others as you wish to be treated”. Or, take it one step further, “treat others as they wish to be treated”.

As a mom, I’ve done things I NEVER thought I would.

  1. Nursed and peed. Numerous times… What else would I do? Kid is hungry and I pee occasionally, ever try to hold that in? 
  2. Allowed my child to vomit on me, I’d rather clean myself than mop a floor. I wasn’t sure of my other options in the moment. 
  3. Cleaned poop out of the tub, twice. 
  4. Slept in pee. It’s like water, right? I just moved right on over… It was really a win-win. 
  5. Eaten kid left overs. Why? I have no idea- waste of calories on food that isn’t even luke warm. Stupid.
  6. Nursed in public, with no cover. Judge me. 
  7. Give up myself, daily. 
  8. Work endlessly. 
  9. Worry often.
  10. Love, amazingly. Or, to “you” maybe disgustingly. 

That’s right. I’ve done all these things and more. “You’ve” (they’ve) tweeted/facebooked/IG comments of disgust over half of these things. But, guess what: it’s REAL. REAL F-ING MOTHERHOOD. It’s what amazing moms are willing to do, everyday. 

So, step off your douche-bag soap box. We’re not going away. Those real social media photos, they’re not stopping either. Be thankful we’re here raising the next set of hopefully non-douche bag children. 

This weekend was full of disgusting moments. Puke, poop, fever, cleaning and repeat. 

We have a few sweet moments, though. 

Sunshine Breakfast.    
My first cotton candy. [not pictured: the other cotton candy, he wanted both colors]

  

  

Finally, after blood, sweat and tears of a sicky weekend Z wanted to watch a movie in the Jeep. So we sat – in the drive way- in the Jeep- with the iPad. So what?

 

Friends: pray for a clean slate and no more puke. 

Until next time, nurse your kid on the potty. ✌🏽️

Love + Love = Love

Art, Attachment parenting, confidence, empowerment, Marginalized individuals, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book, Small Business

If I’ve learned anything it’s to pass on love to my child. My husband and I don’t spend any time explaining who should love who with Z. To us, love is love. 

My parents divorced at a young age and went their separate ways. Dad remarried and mom, well, didn’t. 

I’ve never been asked why my dad remarried but believe me I’ve been asked why mom never remarried. 

I used to lie about why.

  • She isn’t interested in dating
  • She doesn’t really want to be in a relationship 
  • She doesn’t have time! Hello, 3 kids, single mom! 
  • She likes being alone-  duh, doesn’t everyone just want to be left alone!?
  • She’s overweight, maybe when she loses weight
  • She wants to focus on herself

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. You get it.

Truth? 

She’s a Lesbian.

That’s right. I said it. I’m not a lier anymore. Man, that feels great. 

I’ve lied to everyone in my life until I met my husband. Oh, yea, and the drunken night with some of my college besties and our need to share all. Yea, that happened. Anywho……

Why the lies? “No one cares.” People would tell me. 

Oh, yea. Sure. Tell the world as a teenager that is coming into herself- I could barely contain my period let alone the fact that my mom was a lesbian. Then, I got so used to all the lies that I never went back to those people and corrected them. I just brushed it under the rug. 

Until now. I just took a leap of faith. I wrote a children’s book about Z’s two grandmas. 

Loving My Grandmas

I’m so proud a publishing company invested in me and my family story. I’m absolutely thrilled that Z gets to have representation of his two grandmas. TWO grandmas in love.

In love and that’s okay. It’s really, okay!

He will never have to lie. He won’t have to make up stories about Noni & Grandma. He won’t have to feel ashamed. He will just be able to love and enjoy them. Isn’t that what having grandparents is all about!? 

We think so. 







You can buy the book and support the movement! Equality for all. 

Buy here! Loving My Grandmas

Support my passion and advocate for marginalized couples all over the world! 



12 perfect examples of my kid terrorizing my life

Attachment parenting, Family, Uncategorized

My kid hasn’t quite hit the terrible twos that everyone has warned me about. Really, the little shit has his moments; but, all-in-all, I just enjoy his company. He laughs those deep belly laughs that make you stop in your tracks. He says things like, “momma, giraffes eat leaves!” Or “momma, bug!” Or, my absolute favorite, “momma, I’m tired…” and the proceeds to do all things to avoid taking a nap. 

  1. He refuses to sleep! I mean, the sweetest part of my day is/WAS sleeping and this kid hates it. Sigh.
  2. He is still nursing. Okay, okay. Before you jump down my throat (no matter what paradigm you fall under) I’m *almost* done with it. He’s far from done. I can tell, I’m the momma. Sigh.
  3. If his toys are messy, he freaks out. Unless, that is, he has made the big disaster of a mess, then I guess it’s our problem. 
  4. He screams when I leave for work. 
  5. A moment later he says, “bye-bye momma, laters.”
  6. The days I take him to day care he practically jumps out of my arms into his day care mommas arms. “Laters.”
  7. He loathes car rides and makes sure I pay. Big time. 
  8. He pinches my fat and runs away. Laughing. 
  9. He licks my face and then growls at me. 
  10. He recently started calling me “ab-mer” cryyyyyyyyy. It’s momma buddy. 
  11. He hates my cooking. Loves peppers and carrots. Not my cooking. Sigh. 
  12. He pushes me to the point of exhaustion. I’m not sure if I function properly most days. But, then he smiles, screams momma and it’s all good.

So, terrible two huh? Mostly terrific two and moments of terrible-ness. But man, are those moments frightening! Push you to the point of insanity and then drop you off in an unfamiliar place. As if you have an out of body experience and then hit your head and wake up being you again, just bruised. Stronger but bruised. Maybe that’s the point. Egos are bruised in order to learn and understand we are all in this together, learning and growing together. 

What a sweet growing experience, huh? 







5 signs you’re a mom and probably shouldn’t be…

Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book

I woke up oh so early this morning.

4 AM Wake up! For what reason? I don’t know.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Z started whining in his sleep, “MULK” “momma, Mulk.” So, naturally, in my sleep I roll over, pop out a boob and nurse. But, this morning it woke me up and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I started thinking about being a mom and how much I need to learn.

Here are my 5 signs I need to grow up but probably won’t:

1. If you don’t take a shower at night and you play outside with a toddler, you’ll wake up itchy in the wee-hours of the morning. Fact.

2. After work I take off my nice, expensive work clothes and politely lay them on the ground in front of my closet. After my 4:30 AM shower this morning, I stood on said clothes to find comfy yoga pants. Winning.

3. I walked into the bathroom and found my dirty clothes on the ground – next to soggy cloth diapers, eh, someone’s mom might pick that up one day.

4. I looked back in the shower and realized I’ve been taking a shower with empty shampoo bottles for months. Where is that mom that cleans this shit up?

5. I’ve been sneak eating Marvell’s red velvet birthday cake all week and then coming out of the kitchen with baby carrots. What? Don’t judge me.

There you have it. #momfails of the century. When will I turn into my mom? It seemed that she always had shit together.

Hey, at least I’m up, showered and have eaten a bowl of cereal and a bite of red velvet before anyone even noticed.

That’s winning in my book.

Speaking of book: ITS DONE!

“Loving My Grandmas” will be on bookshelves soon! I approved the proof of the book and 100 copies are being sent to my house. I’ll soon have a link to buy the book. I can’t tell you how excited I am! Here’s a sneak peak of the cover….

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Like me on Facebook as well!

Loving My Grandmas Facebook page

Happy birthday, love.

Attachment parenting, Family, Marriage

Til’ death do you part.

And we’re not dead yet, so let’s eat cake.

Jan. 31, my love turned 39. I know right!? He looks A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Lucky duck.

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I wanted to surprise him with a little birthday dinner and a BIG birthday cake. His favorite is red velvet. So, I made reservations for dinner with a few of his friends. Such a fun, sweet night. It’s so important to celebrate the people we love. It reminds them we care about them and are willing to take the time out of our day to show appreciation.

Dinner was fabulous but my view was the sweetest part of it all. Him.

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To my husband:

Your quiet introverted self is the complete opposite of me, inspiring.

Your hands create the most amazing artwork this eye has ever seen, truly.

Your smile melts my heart and I don’t see that enough, need more.

Every year you’ve been alive tells a story, I’m thankful to be a part of this journey.

Your 20’s were a shit-show, glad to not have been a part of that journey! Lol, had to throw that in there!

I’ve seen you in the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. At times I think I’m responsible for both. Love isn’t easy, is it? Babies aren’t easy, are they? And not to mention these dogs! Through it all you’re calm and patient, well, most of the time. You show me love and respect and I’m thankful for that.

For your 39 candles and a wish I share with you:

Go. Show the world YOU. Don’t hold back. YOU have something to offer this world, they’re ready.

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That’s a cake. That’s a cake with 39 candles! What a beautiful way to celebrate the man I love. To another 39 years. Growing old with this dude.

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For better or worse, Couples Therapy

Attachment parenting, Family, Marriage

Last I checked our country had a
high rate of divorce. When I say “last I checked” I literally googled it yesterday. Now, with the high rate and all, we are actually declining in divorce rates! Don’t jump for joy so quickly, it’s still pretty high. A nice pat on the back or thank you very much will do.

Now, if you’re married you know this shit is hard. If you’re married and poor, that shit is hard-er. And, lastly, if you’re married, poor and have other mouths to feed, quit while you’re ahead! All right, enough of the doom and gloom… there’s hope.

How to withstand a marriage without hating your partner?

1. COMMUNICATE. Which means, get off your “smart phone.” It’s not so smart. If fact, arguably, we spend more time on our smart phones than with, I don’t know, real people. Setting boundaries is extremely important, even with our technology. Set ’em.

2. Be honest. We’re not perfect people. If you need something from your partner, ask. If your partner isn’t giving you what you need, ask. Then, refer to step 1.

3. Have fun. Yea, like you “used to.” Even if fun means, making fun of your two year old’s poop face. Or, when they fall. Come on! It’s funny, sometimes.

4. Allow yourself down time. LOL. Just kidding moms.

5. Wash your hair! Throw on some makeup or cologne or underwear for that matter and get out of yoga pants or sweat pants…. I mean, really. Try it once. Your significant other will thank you. Then, go out for coffee or whatever people do in real pants.

6. Charm each other. You were once capable of it. Try it again.

7. If at first you don’t succeed…. You know the drill.

8. Be OK with growing old. Sagging is the new 20. If you’re a millionaire, lip injections can also be the new 20. Damn you rich people.

9. Create something together… Maybe not another human if the time isn’t right. Start with a mini garden or something.

10. Last but not least, seek an amazing therapist. I did. It’s awesome.

Speaking of therapy… I want to share the most insightful piece of information she shared with me.

After recapping the saga that is my life story, she asks me a few questions, I answer. She looks dumbfounded. Choppy words come out of her mouth, like, “but how did you know that at such a young age?” Or, “you couldn’t have known what was going on between your parents, could you?”

Yes. Yes. And, well, yes.

I knew. I knew all too well. I protected the “boys” from what I knew. BTW- they HATE that I call them “the boys.” They were so young and I could tell they lived in their own bubble of a world. Why would I pop that bubble just because I lived in reality at 6?

Separation.
No mom.
Living in another country.
The divorce.
The nasty court battle.
Raising my brothers.
Fighting for our rights in court, yes at ages 6,7,8,9,10…

My job was to protect those boys from the truth.

She looked at me, I could tell she wanted to cry. My face, stone cold. I couldn’t let the tears start because they wouldn’t stop.

She said, “you made it out.” YOU made it out.

I started to tear up… And she said, “how does that make you feel?”

My only response was… “I let them down. I can’t enjoy success because they [“the boys”] are so troubled. They haven’t felt the same success. I feel as if I can’t be happy.”

Then, I lost it.

I look at this sweet face and wonder if in 20 years… Will he sit in my shoes? God, I hope not.

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