Love + Love = Love

Art, Attachment parenting, confidence, empowerment, Marginalized individuals, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book, Small Business

If I’ve learned anything it’s to pass on love to my child. My husband and I don’t spend any time explaining who should love who with Z. To us, love is love. 

My parents divorced at a young age and went their separate ways. Dad remarried and mom, well, didn’t. 

I’ve never been asked why my dad remarried but believe me I’ve been asked why mom never remarried. 

I used to lie about why.

  • She isn’t interested in dating
  • She doesn’t really want to be in a relationship 
  • She doesn’t have time! Hello, 3 kids, single mom! 
  • She likes being alone-  duh, doesn’t everyone just want to be left alone!?
  • She’s overweight, maybe when she loses weight
  • She wants to focus on herself

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. You get it.

Truth? 

She’s a Lesbian.

That’s right. I said it. I’m not a lier anymore. Man, that feels great. 

I’ve lied to everyone in my life until I met my husband. Oh, yea, and the drunken night with some of my college besties and our need to share all. Yea, that happened. Anywho……

Why the lies? “No one cares.” People would tell me. 

Oh, yea. Sure. Tell the world as a teenager that is coming into herself- I could barely contain my period let alone the fact that my mom was a lesbian. Then, I got so used to all the lies that I never went back to those people and corrected them. I just brushed it under the rug. 

Until now. I just took a leap of faith. I wrote a children’s book about Z’s two grandmas. 

Loving My Grandmas

I’m so proud a publishing company invested in me and my family story. I’m absolutely thrilled that Z gets to have representation of his two grandmas. TWO grandmas in love.

In love and that’s okay. It’s really, okay!

He will never have to lie. He won’t have to make up stories about Noni & Grandma. He won’t have to feel ashamed. He will just be able to love and enjoy them. Isn’t that what having grandparents is all about!? 

We think so. 







You can buy the book and support the movement! Equality for all. 

Buy here! Loving My Grandmas

Support my passion and advocate for marginalized couples all over the world! 



Today, I felt like quitting and giving up.

confidence, empowerment, Mother, Publishing a children's book

Do you ever have those days where it’s all wrong?

Today was my day.

I don’t even want to replay it. I know it was bad. If I graded myself I would give me an F. I even drove myself from work to home (25 miles) on E. I didn’t care if I ran out of gas. I didn’t want to think about my horrible day and recount it in my head, but I did. Over and over and over. 

If I only could have.

If I would have.

I should have. 

How many times would I replay this? When will I move on? 

Funny. When I have an amazing day rearely do I replay the joyous moments. Rarely. 

When the bad days come, replay and repeat is apparently my mantra. 

I took about an hour break after writing what you’ve read this far. I wanted to collect my thoughts and eat a few Oreos, pasta and sauce, bread and butter and a peppermint. I mean, I wanted to eat my feelings. I don’t feel better by the way, now I’m just bloated and sad. Hashtag: I’ll never learn. 

——–//////// A NEW DAY ////////———

Yesterday is gone and I’ve put my big girl panties on and have taken a moment to evaluate my life. 

  • Life is amazing. Let’s be real, I’m writing this on my iPhone 5S. Really, complaining, Amber? 
  • I have an amazing, supportive husband who adores me.
  • I have a beautiful son!
  • I have an awesome career that offers my mind the opportunity to learn and grow. 
  • I have people that believe in me.
  • I feel comfortable in my own skin.
  • I acknowledge my imperfections and allow others to give me feedback. 
  • I stand up for what’s right.
  • I’m a published author! Loving My Grandmas
  • I’ve overcome adversity and I am a happy person.

So, all in all, bad days come and go; however, these “things” they last. I will always be these things. I own these things.

I created a few sayings on A Beautiful Mess and wanted to share them with you. I hope they speak to you as they spoke to me. 







5 signs you’re a mom and probably shouldn’t be…

Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book

I woke up oh so early this morning.

4 AM Wake up! For what reason? I don’t know.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Z started whining in his sleep, “MULK” “momma, Mulk.” So, naturally, in my sleep I roll over, pop out a boob and nurse. But, this morning it woke me up and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I started thinking about being a mom and how much I need to learn.

Here are my 5 signs I need to grow up but probably won’t:

1. If you don’t take a shower at night and you play outside with a toddler, you’ll wake up itchy in the wee-hours of the morning. Fact.

2. After work I take off my nice, expensive work clothes and politely lay them on the ground in front of my closet. After my 4:30 AM shower this morning, I stood on said clothes to find comfy yoga pants. Winning.

3. I walked into the bathroom and found my dirty clothes on the ground – next to soggy cloth diapers, eh, someone’s mom might pick that up one day.

4. I looked back in the shower and realized I’ve been taking a shower with empty shampoo bottles for months. Where is that mom that cleans this shit up?

5. I’ve been sneak eating Marvell’s red velvet birthday cake all week and then coming out of the kitchen with baby carrots. What? Don’t judge me.

There you have it. #momfails of the century. When will I turn into my mom? It seemed that she always had shit together.

Hey, at least I’m up, showered and have eaten a bowl of cereal and a bite of red velvet before anyone even noticed.

That’s winning in my book.

Speaking of book: ITS DONE!

“Loving My Grandmas” will be on bookshelves soon! I approved the proof of the book and 100 copies are being sent to my house. I’ll soon have a link to buy the book. I can’t tell you how excited I am! Here’s a sneak peak of the cover….

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Like me on Facebook as well!

Loving My Grandmas Facebook page

You’re a blogger, too?

Attachment parenting, Family, Publishing a children's book, Student loan debt

So, I do wear many hats; I get why my friends are constantly asking me “what don’t you do!!??

I don’t do chores very well, I lack the grace.

I also don’t pay my bills on time these days. Hello, people, the struggle is real. Today when I got a notice that my internet and TV was turned off for non-payment I realized a due date wasn’t just a suggestion in the USofA. Century Link is for real, yo.

So, $300.00 later (I definitely didn’t expect to pay that) I may have Internet/TV tomorrow. I seriously DO NOT need nor want the TV service. *Married couples – in the house- it’s a pick your battle sort of thing!? The Internet, well, I guess we need that.

Since we are forced to live without such luxuries for the time being I popped in a DVD!

When is the last time you used a DVD!? Are they slowly becoming the dinosaurs’ VHS cousin?

I chose my favorite movie of all time, well, almost all time, Julie & Julia. First, I had to watch 20 minutes of previews. PREVIEWS!? What on G-d’s green earth??

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When I first watched J & J I loved the movie and felt like I was Julie! We had similar jobs and I was seeking life’s ultimate: success! However, I never imagined I would be a blogger, too.
What the hell did I know about blogging. What the heck do I have to say? Why would anyone read it anyway?

She felt the same way. And look at her now! She set a goal and she achieved it, past her wildest dreams.

She celebrated her 30th in the movie… Now I’m realizing maybe my life is more similar to her now. I’m still in a cube & almost 30. Shit.

I try to dream past my wildest dreams but my reality gets in the way. Namely, bills. I am a slave to these people. The rich-ass-companies that swindle my money and own yachts and pinkie rings.

Who wears a pinkie ring anyway?

One of my favorite parts of J & J is when she has a terrible day and falls apart on the floor, crying like a baby. Man, how many times have I “been there done that”. Too many. I wanted to scream and cry today! It’s not fair I have all these bills and don’t get a penny to myself without fear of retribution.

One day, one day it won’t be so hard, right? I’ll have paid all my debt off and I’ll live within my “means.” Even if those means are measly.

Oh, yea. And my student loans are “a-knockin.'” I read some article that some odd millions were forgiven for student loan debt; too bad that wasn’t mine.

Until then, my little book is hopefully going to be done in a few months. I created a Facebook page for “Loving My Grandmas.” Feel free to check it out, like & share.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll have a wildest dream story to share.

Until then, no internet/tv or dignity.

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Fund a DREAM

Publishing a children's book, Uncategorized

I’ve told you all I wrote a children’s book but what I haven’t told you is that it’s to advocate for my family.

The book is from Zaccai’s perspective about his family.

I’ll have to wait to share the intimate details with you as I would like it to be published and set in stone before leaking the nitty gritty!

But, just know, this book rocks the core of my heart and many families struggling with normalcy and identity. I hope this book advocates for all types of families and children looking for a voice.

I’m in the funding and illustrating process. Meaning, this overdraft-living queen needs to come up with some dough. Not bread, darn. But- dollar, dollar, bills, ya’ll.

So, I’m asking and praying I can raise enough to begin the funding process of the book! If you can give, know someone that would benefit from my book or share with anyone that would love to chip in…. please. I beg you, share.

Go Fund Me – children’s book fund

This could be a really BIG thing for me and my family! I have more work now than ever! Once it’s published I’ll need to carve out time to do book store visits, chat my book up and sign these said books…. Maybe even do some readings!

All I can say is that I’m super excited and want to get moving. The hold up? Funds 😖 but I know, it will happen!

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This sweet boy!

Happy Birthday, here’s to twenty nine

Attachment parenting, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book, Small Business, Uncategorized

It’s the real twenty nine, just in case you were wondering.

This post is going to be completely about me. Let’s hope I can stay true to that promise!

Often I blog about Zaccai, work, life challenges, and my husband/marriage. But, I haven’t spend much time just focusing on ME.

As a partner/lover and even friend, I create so much positivity/energy and dump 100% into these people. But, what about ME?

I often forget I have needs, desires and even dreams.

So, here today, I’m going to share these with you. And, I’ll be completely honest {even share my life’s fears}.

From infancy to 29, I’ve always been fabulous. Even when I was 55 pounds overweight, I was fabulous. Maybe not to the rest of the world, but I knew better.

Some moments in my life that shaped who I am today:

My parents first nasty fight. I was probably about 3 or 4. I heard them arguing and knew I needed to get them to see eye to eye, at 3 or 4. I went into the kitchen, stood in the middle and yelled, “stop!!!!” They quickly sent me back to my room; hey, a girls gotta try.

At 6, my parents separated and my dad moved us kids to Japan. No mom. Who knows the complete story, if there is one…? My dad has his side, my mom has her side and the rest of the family has a side. Who cares, at this point I was without a mom and I raised my 2 brothers. At 6.

Ages 8-12 my parents fought over custody and I was in the middle. Literally. The boys wanted to live with my mom and I wanted to keep the peace. I felt bad telling either parent who I really wanted to live with. Dad won. Then, mom won. We cried. Tears of joy, mostly, but, my heart broke for my dad. Divorces are hard on everyone.

During the custody battle time my mom came out of the closet and Linda became officially known as mom’s girlfriend. We loved Linda.

Age 14. Linda and mom broke up after years and years of being together. I said to my mom, “why does everyone we love leave us.” At that moment, I didn’t want anyone else to come close to our family for fear they would leave, abandon us.

Age 16. I moved in with my grandmother and my mom lived in Chicago for work. My mom met an amazing woman, Norma. My dad, stepmom and brothers lived in Japan.. and I enjoyed the freedom my grandmother gave us… She was the cool granny!

Age 17. I went to college. I never thought I’d make it that far.

Age 21. I joined WW and lost 55 pounds. Where did that come from!?

Age 23. I graduated with a master’s degree. 102 k debt, thank you.

Age 25. Married my sweet husband.

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Age 26-27 Baby on the way!

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Age 27. Zaccai.

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Age 28. Our life has changed forever.

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What’s in for 29!? I’m publishing a book and hoping for some funding- next post I’ll share. I’m hoping for an exciting new position at work, maybe! I’m hoping for a stronger year of marriage and debt pay-off… Please, please, please, debt pay-off in my future!

Isn’t life a journey? It’s insane and I want things to quiet before they get insane, again! #ellen2015

5 second rule, makes sense.

Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Mother, Publishing a children's book, Small Business

This past weekend little Mr. Z and I met a girlfriend on her layover and brought her to our favorite lunching spot. La Grande Orange AKA LGO or as my mom likes to call it, “Grange.” It always makes me smile when she says that.

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Well, I have to admit, terrible twos set in at LGO. Zaccai was crawling all over the ground (I hear reverting to baby stage can be normal…???) that was a statement as well as a question. To “distract” him I gave him (what I think is) the most amazing cupcake EVER… And that little shit threw it on the ground. Now, my gf was there and I’m not 5….
So, when she asked me if we can just throw it away, I wanted to exclaim “5 second RULE!!” Duh. But, sadly, we tossed it.

How can this sweet little boy turn into the gremlin monster and terrorize my life!? It only lasts about 15-20 minutes max but MAN are tensions high during the melt downs.

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Not only is he experiencing mood swings (lord knows these aren’t going away anytime soon) but he also refuses to GO TO SLEEP! Oh, my, goodness! For the love! This kid isn’t in bed until 12-1AM! Now, he’s a night owl and I’ve gotten used to 10PM bed time routine but all of the sudden, it’s into the wee hours of the morning. This week has been worse than the first three months- sleep wise. I am NOT an advocate for CIO or sleep training- don’t even suggest these methods… But, sadly, I’ve questioned my parenting- YET again. This. On. Paper. Is so easy. This. In. Real. Life. Is a shit show.

Then, he smiles. And, my tired, grumpy eyes smile too.

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Don’t get my wrong, I’ve lost it. He’s cried. I’ve cried. I have tried to have crucial conversations with a TWO year old. btw- to all my colleagues, that doesn’t work. shit. I’ve called/texted my girlfriends and our discussions are something like this: Is this normal? He hit me and I tried to redirect, then he hit me over and over and I spanked him back. I said I would NEVER spank. She scratched me. She pulled my hair. Then, after the tantrum, our sweet children come back.

I’ve become a parent I never thought I’d be. It’s like that adult phase of finally liking (maybe loving) garlic and onions….. I said I would NEVER do these things. But, remember, on paper………

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Sweet cloth bum.

The newest with my book: we are in “book” format and illustrations are underway next week. It should be a three month process! How exciting. In the meantime, I’m working on amping up social media & getting the word out. I’m manifesting being on Ellen as well. She has to WANT me on her show!!!!!

9/11 honoring the obvious

Attachment parenting, Family, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book

“Where were you when the world stopped turning, on that September day.” Alan Jackson.

I remember when I was a little girl and my dad was a single dad we would drive and listen to Alan Jackson. My dad said, “you know, Amber, listen to this whole CD and you’ll love country.” He was right. To this day, I love country music. There is something about sharing the most painful part of your life with others that makes that genre of music so real.

Now that I sit here and reflect, maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to share my life with you… Even the most painful parts. A few weeks ago I was at my breaking point. I literally felt like I was at the bottom of a ton of bricks. Thankfully, time makes you move forward even if you don’t feel ready.

This week I’ve been approached by well-respected leaders in my organization that have given me amazing confidence and reassurance that I’m an integral part of our business. I’ve received my letter from the editor! I also have been complimented as an amazing teacher.

All these “things” -we’ll call them- don’t pay the bills nor do they change my temporarily negative checking account. They provide hope to a girl who used to sit in her daddy’s truck and listen to rich people sing about their despair.

Hope. Just like the hope on 9/11 that this country would come together for the betterment of people. Not Caucasians, Mexican Americans, Black Americans, African Americans, Italian Americans, Asian Americans, Pacific Islanders, gay/straight/Trans/bi, and /or anything in-between …. Just purely the hope that we can create the worth of people. HUMANS. People who deserve a voice and respect. People who on 9/11 would give anything to be with their loved one. Don’t forget.

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This sweet button is growing daily. Changing. Repeating. Smiling. Our lives will never be the same and why would we want them to be?

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All I can say is I’m thankful for this week. It’s been amazing. It’s been uplifting. It will take me into my next not-so-great week and prepare me for the good/bad or anything in between.

A wise English teacher once taught me: “you can’t appreciate the sweet if you don’t know the taste of sour.”

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Philanthropy + Hard Work = Exciting Day!

Attachment parenting, Family, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book

I will shamelessly admit I donate a little over $1,000.00 a year to the work of the Valley of the Sun United Way. If you’ve read many entires of my blog you know my family struggles financially. This is why I give:

There is someone out there, in your neighborhood, worse off than you.

There are people who would love to be in my “financial distress” with the promise of another paycheck and upward opportunity in my company.

Because I believe in the work of the United Way.

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Doesn’t this picture melt your heart!? Zaccai has to be one of the sweetest, caring babies I know. He loves his sweet little friends and savors each moment. I can learn from him.

I give, because I receive. It’s that simple. Sure, Absolutely, I can use the money! However, I know that there are friends out there that need it more. Today was our hero day at work and I was superwoman. I didn’t buy a thing- just improvised!

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Now, for my exciting NEWS! Drumroll please…..

The publisher emailed me about my children’s book and we are NOW in discussion of publishing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn’t function most of yesterday- even while I was superwoman! 😂

I seriously feel like this is going to be great, amazing, dare I say help us financially!!!

I also have to admit, while I was driving I was practicing my interview with Ellen! HA! Hey, I can dream big, right?

Thank YOU sweet friends for reading, supporting and following. I need you. Many, many more details to come!!

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Sharing Your Passions

Attachment parenting, Family, Marginalized individuals, Mother, Parenting, Publishing a children's book, Small Business

Today I shared a little about myself my colleagues didn’t know. Do you share personal information at work? If so, are you comfortable being vulnerable? I’ve gotten feedback I “over-share.” So, I’ve truly worked on this for the past few weeks. However, today, we had a team lunch that forced us into an intimate space of open dialogue. And, well, I couldn’t help myself.

Someone mentioned they shop at Walmart, I remarked, I boycott them. Someone else brought up Hobby Lobby and I shared that I boycott them as well. Everyone laughed and said, “what else do you boycott?” So, I shared a list and gave them all valid reasons for not supporting those businesses.

Since I was a child I always wanted to stand up for marginalized individuals. In 5th grade, I stood up for Bobby. Everyone made fun of him. Kids are mean. One day at the lunch table kids were picking on him and treating him like dirt. I, on the other hand was well-liked. So, I took it upon myself to stand up on the benches and tell the lunch room they needed to stop making fun of Bobby. And they DID! Bobby later thanked me.

Some days I think I was a stronger individual when I was 10. I didn’t care what people thought of me when I was standing up for marginalized individuals. (Of course, I had no idea I was being an advocate). All I wanted was to give everyone a voice. We all deserve respect. We all deserve rights.

My sweet boy stirs up those “old-school” emotions. I’m a passionate advocate looking for my next opportunity to advocate, boycott or represent. I have one in mind. Stay tuned. It revolves around my children’s book.

Until then, I posted about my friend and her stolen bike. I raised $250.00 and purchased a gift card and she bought a bike! Here is a picture of her shinny purchase! I should have posted this a while ago but I was caught up in life!

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That smile.

My sweet boy grows! Look at him.

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