Easter Bunny Sunday

Attachment parenting, confidence, empowerment, Family, Mother, Parenting, Uncategorized

It’s been so long I almost forgot how to start a post. Life is busy and crazy and so damn demanding. I just want a full 24 hours to pee by myself and not respond to one email. NOT ONE. 

I’m riding the waves of motherhood and a full time college teaching career coupled with a part time teaching gig at another college. I drive to 3 different campuses each week. It’s utterly insane and I love it. I can’t help to yearn for the day I’ll find my tenured track teaching position and settle down.

These past few months that I’ve been gone (from you- blog) I’ve feel these words:

Happiness, joy, laughter, sweet, caring, friendship, excitement….

But I’ve also had some really terrible situations happen that have left me feeling…

Lost, isolated, sad, uncomfortable, depressed, uncertain, out of control, fleeting, inadequate…

Is there a chance PPD can happen when your child is well into toddler years? I feel like the world is sitting on my shoulders and trying to suffocate me. 1 step forward and 5 steps back. 

I mean, I’ve accomplished some really amazing things… But they’ve kind of just been an almost there success… I feel like I’m part of the Myth of Sissifus.

………………………………………………………….
Wow. If I want to have a blog and followers I should probably FINISH BLOG POSTS FROM Easter! 

All I can do is laugh. I wanted to just throw this one away, like, oh well [she] tried. But then I thought, nah, they can see I’m a total mess just like everyone else. 
Half finished

Half inspired

Half irritated 

Half assing this thing called life.

Do you feel you’re half-Ing shit, too? Well, dang, you’re NOT alone.

Since it’s been SO long. Here’s a few pictures from our lives lately. 

Oh. And. I’ll post a REAL blog post this week. Don’t hold your breath 😁

Rough night & day – Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting, Family, Marriage, Mother, Parenting

My son, Zaccai had a rough night last night. He didn’t want to sleep and just nursed for hours on end. I was getting so irritated with him not falling asleep and after 2 hours I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I got out the iPad (the modern day solution to sleepless nights!)

So, another hour or so went on and he was still not asleep. He started nursing and I rocked him and walked with him and rocked him and finally 1 AM – fell asleep.

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Attachment parenting isn’t easy. There are moments where it’s saved me. When I work 10-14 hours during the school semester the only close time I have with my baby is at night when we sleep and he nurses. So, that’s created the attachment to him/me.

While I’m grateful for our bond/attachment, it’s now putting a strain on my marriage. I (maybe selfishly) chose attachment parenting style because I worked so much and I didn’t get to spend quality time with my newborn/infant/toddler baby. I’m also incredibly insecure about the fact that I had a c-section and this is my way of overcompensating.

My husband created this great bond with my son. He parents him and set boundaries and limits and all the things that you would want to instill in a child. I’m the bulldozer that ruins it. When Z is with Marvell he is calm, happy and listens. When he is with me he is clingy, afraid I’ll leave and at times whiny. So, now, we’re struggling. As I write this I know we need a change and balance. My heart hurts so bad because I feel so completely shitty as a mom today.

When I was young l looked up to my Aunt. I thought she was perfect. She had three crazy, rambunctious, fun boys. I could tell each one of them loved her and needed her. One day when I was watching the boys I remember her being upset and saying she felt like the worst/horrible mom. A failure. I was so confused. I remember thinking, but, you’re perfect. I didn’t understand how she felt so imperfect.

I do now.

Not only do I feel imperfect, I feel lost. How do parents navigate this? I know, my husband has figured out his method and it works perfectly for him… I’m just not sure I can make it work for me?

Not only that, I pissed my husband off for writing our lives on the bathroom wall. (Or, commonly known as the internet). I don’t know what to do/say. It hurts for someone you love so much to be angry with you… Saying sorry is one thing but truly trying to change to be the person they need you to be is something completely earth shattering. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know if I can change.

And if I can’t? There’s a pit in my stomach.

Can you attach & detach at the same time?

I’m so lost.

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Me… Minus the glam.

Paleo-fail

Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Mother, Outdoors, Parenting, Small Business, Summer

I lost 55 pounds on Weight Watchers 7 plus years ago. I followed the program and learned from my mistakes and slowly but surely the weight fell off. Hard work. Determination.

I grew up loving food. Every meal was a celebration! There were times that we didn’t have many food options but we always had something to eat. When my parents separated then divorced we ate bean and cheese burritos, rice, cup-o-noodles, and other cheap-ass-high-calorie-shit-food. So, needless to say, I had no idea that healthy food and portion size mattered.

Joining Weight Watchers changed my life – forever. In fact, I’d go so far to say it’s changed my son’s life too. I lost the weight way before he was even a thought but I am a healthier person because of the program!

I always follow W.W. but occasionally, I try new recipes and ideas. Today I have tried and failed a paleo recipe. What’s wrong with these perfect eaters anyway!?

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As suggested, I started with 2 cups of almonds and my vita mix. Blended.
Blended. Stopped since Z was crying to hold him. Started. Stopped because the vita mix was on over-drive. Then I thought, this is why I don’t do this shit. Then restarted. This took all of 30 minutes. When you read the recipe they make it seem so easy. 10-15 minutes.

Be patient!

Well, for the love of (-)… This is what I’m left with hours later.

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Looks a little chunky, no?

It’s so easy “they say.” Those Paleo people deserve to get a kick in the butt! Here’s the delightful recipe: Amazing Paleo Banana Almond Ice Cream

You try it, let me know.
I’m full of misses. Not a cook, not a baker, not a homemaker. Ahhhh,
Oh well.

We went swimming today. Check out this sweetness.

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It’s 102 out. Melt. Heart melt, too.

It’s so hot and our Paleo ice cream is a bust. I’ve decided we will go to Churn for a sweet treat.

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Eating healthy daily is for the birds. Enjoy ice cream.