Follow Your Heart

Attachment parenting, empowerment, Family, Marriage, Parenting, Uncategorized, weight loss

We’re all busy, right? 

I am. I’m a wife, mom, full time manager, part time instructor at a community college, a friend, a daughter, a writer, a dishwasher, a laundry goddess and last but not least a terrible cook. 

How do I have the time? If I had a nickel for all the times my friends say, “how the hell do you do it!?” I’d be rich! 

I don’t know. But, let me tell you what I’ve lost because I’ve “done it all.”

Time.

Memories.

Moments.

Years.

Z turns 3 in November. I turn 30 in September. The year of “3”. I told myself 2015 will be my year of change. I will not continue to be “too busy”. I’ve told my son on numerous occasions- I can’t, mommy has to work. Sorry, off to work. Internally I say, sorry, I’ll make it up to you… of course, Z can’t understand the concept of “make it up”. 

But, I won’t make it up. I won’t because he’s only going to take his first step once. He’s only going to say his first word once. He’s only going to smile and coo “once”. These moments are gone. Some of them I’ve witnessed, but most I’ve missed. I missed them so I could pay off credit card debt, pay off car payments, pay for Internet, pay for cable, for for loans I took out to pay off debt. I’ve worked so hard so others could be successful. 

In our couples therapy my therapist asked me if I thought I was successful. 

I said no.

God, have you seen my checking account? I’m NOT successful.

No mind I put myself through college. I wasn’t supposed to go to, statistically speaking. I graduated with a Master’s two years later. All by 23 years of age. I lost 55 pounds on the Weight Watchers program and lead hundreds of people to live happier, healthier lives. I encouraged my friends to love themselves and take risks. Fall in love. I emotionally supported my husband when he couldn’t take another day in Corporate America. I let him take a risk. I climbed the ladder in Corporate America after numerous rejections and I have taught at a college for the past 5 years. I’ve ran 3 half marathons and 1 Ragnar. I had a labored for days with my baby and had a c-section to seal the deal and bring him into this world. I’ve given up so much to provide for the people I love. And, now, when faced with a deep, profound question: are you successful? My answer was: NO.

My life has always been defined as being poor. Lower than lower middle class. I’ve always been taught that success=money. Why, why oh why is this woman telling me that I’ve gotten it all wrong? I need to look at success from a different angle. I can’t. Or, I feel like I can’t. 

Since that day I have seriously tried to tell myself I was successful. It’s been hard to accept that I am successful since I don’t have much to show for “it”. The successful competition is fierce. I mean, how can I even compare? How can I convince the world Amber Green is successful? Shit, I’m probably the 1803502747920847 person on your Google machine. 

Or, maybe, just maybe it doesn’t matter what others think of me… Only how I feel about myself? Compared to myself?

If I’m not “successful” why am I wasting my time working? If I’m not becoming “successful” and doing the work I was put on this earth to do, what am I doing? Working to live, not living to work. Who does that anyway? Live to work?

“If you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life.” That’s always been a crock of shit to me, not gonna lie. But, maybe I’m just a pessimist and people really love what they do and jump up before their alarm and do it.

If that’s true, I feel that way about teaching. It’s amazing. I feel like I’m empowered and empowering people. I’m giving them the gift I thought I would never have: information. College & Weight Watchers. Both accomplishments that were never supposed to happen. I should be an uneducated fat woman. I’m not. Instead I’m the opposite. 

  
I’m ready to do this. I’m ready to feel success by following my heart and sharing my gifts. 

I am starting to find if I let go and trust it will all work out things seem to go better than I could have imagined.

How can that be? Let go and let God.

Is that success? 


A quickie: Z sleeps before 10!

Art, Art and design, Attachment parenting, Cloth diaper, Family, Mother, Parenting, Small Business

If you haven’t “met” Zaccai (Z) yet, you’re missing out! He’s incredible.

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Looks at this handsome little fellow. All grown up at 19 months old.

Some of his favorite things these days are:

Elephants.
Clocks.
101 Dalmatians.
Carbs. Thank goodness!
All animal sounds!

Most days I’m so busy at work I don’t have time to think of my little guy. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. The time flies by so quickly that I blink and my day is done. I do have to say that when I get home I’m so excited to see my little family.

My bank account might be close to nothing but my heart is full of life and love.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you a future. That’s what I work for- a promising future for our little family.

My husband’s business should be up and running online shortly. As of now, we’ve made a few thousand dollars by word of mouth. Not tons. Not zero either. I’m excited to see what the future brings for us. He was explaining the business to a woman in Australia that is helping us with social media and marketing- I’ve never seen him so engaged. I know this is his destiny. I hope he really drives his dreams forward.

Supporting an artist is hard! One day I hope to reflect and say all the long hours, empty bank account, and stressful months/years were worth it. All for his success. You have to learn to be selfless when your artist partner has a dream worth living. I have a dream. It’s simple. Pay off all my debt and continue working without worry of bills, bills, bills. This year is our year – I feel it.

A beautiful moment. A loving son. What more can we ask for?

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H-E-L-P? How to ask for… That?

Parenting

So, my husband runs a small business. When I say small, I mean it cost us– {ME} more than we make. He needs a
nanny in order to process orders…. I mostly pay for said nanny. He also uses the money he makes for enjoyment for him and an occasional dinner for us. So, he’s been up in arms because he has these orders to fill. So, I asked a friend to come and watch my son this morning; my nanny was sick and honestly, I’m overdrafted- how can I pay her anyhow? Which leaves my husband with the baby for 8.5 hours. I’m a busy manager at work and worked 10 hours today. But I came home to this mess!

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Okay, that might not look bad but we bathe my son in the sink. Which leaves me to do the dishes- took me a half an hour to get those done with a crying baby at my side. Bathe the boy, eat some dinner, do 3 loads of laundry, fold 2 loads of laundry, change the boy, open mail (unpaid bills), and finally sit down at 11:30 and nurse the baby to sleep and write this blog. All the while my husband is working- in the shop (attached garage of our house). I don’t mind him doing that; but, I work 3 jobs and I’m at wits end! I’m so exhausted, mentally and physically. I almost think I might lose it. All of our bills are past due, I can’t catch up and I’m really scared I won’t be able to buy food/gas this week. Needless to say, I’m overwhelmed! I can’t remember a time when times were this meek. And I feel so alone. Is this how “breadwinners” feel? I don’t know how to get the help I need from my husband or anyone else. I feel like giving up.

On top of it all, my damn cell phone charger isn’t working properly and my damn phone doesn’t hold a charge. I can’t afford another charger…. So, maybe no connection to the outside world.

Have you every asked for help? What do I do?